Suddenly in the middle of a long stare at the ceiling, I tried to write my thoughts in mind. In a span of half a minute, everything was left empty. A quick transition from productivity to sluggishness – a normal scenario for a writer. Somehow, I needed to stop what I was doing because ideas are overflowing, but when no ideas will come out even if I bang my head on the wall, I would gain nothing. I do write to impress and express, mostly about random thoughts. When I tried to write about myself, I tend not to focus on my well-being. Little did I know, I’m mentally exhausted not because I have nothing to write anymore but because I forgot about own self. It’s no question I’m happy as a writer but there’s a part of me that feels void. I could not point which aspect but I feel empty.
I’m twenty seven yet I don’t know where I’m heading. A lot of questions are still left unanswered. So for now, I’d like to evaluate myself in terms of how I’ve become the person I am now, and what things I have gained along the way.
Career: At my age, I honestly haven’t landed on my dream job. I want to be a writer but writers don’t earn much. I was not born from a well-off family so monetary compensation is a big factor for me. I am currently in a job wherein job description does not equalize with my character. I have to be someone I’m not just to go through with my job everyday. I have to deal with people I don’t like most of the time. I am being asked to be a social being when I’m not, and this is too tiring to bear. It’s painful to think that I am trying to adjust myself to this job, but my job can’t and won’t adjust with my personality. If I could just escape and have some place to go to, I would run right away. However, life doesn’t work that way. Running away is not always the solution so I decided to stay although everyday it’s a torture. I just have to accept the fact that no matter how much you wanted to be in a certain job, when it’s not for you it’s never going to be yours. If you’re going to ask me about my plans? I’d still say, I’ll go with the flow.
Love: This is something I’ve been pondering on. It’s just like this: today I want it but tomorrow I don’t. I am an introvert and I understand that it would be very hard for me to find someone who can understand me. I am a member of minority; but I have to admit that it frustrates me that guys are intimidated because of my intellect and personality. While some of my religious friends would tell me that there’s someone out there that God has prepared for me, my skeptical mind would always remind me that love isn’t for everyone. I stopped activities on social media because I don’t want to be pressured by what I am seeing – former classmates’ wedding, friends’ baby shower and all that. I just can’t stop comparing myself with them. So what now about love? I don’t know. If it comes, we’ll see. If it doesn’t, move on. I can’t force something to be mine after all.
Friendship: Believe me, I have friends. We don’t talk much often but we’re good. There were moments that we feel we don’t know each other anymore but we’re sure we’re still friends. They are still the ones I run to when I feel the need to. Everytime I remember how we met and maintained this friendship, I feel grateful. I was able to see life in a different way. I was able to somehow go out of my comfort zone, and see what’s out there. Life has become more beautiful because of them. Although we don’t dwell on how to kill our time by playing, the maturity of digging deeper into each other’s life is more indulging. Time has changed us, strengthening the bond that can’t be broken. I know for certain that they find it hard to understand my “withdrawal from the world” moments but they’re still there, and I’ll always be thankful.
Others: Most of the time, I don’t give a damn. I like to focus on myself than wasting my time with others. I hate dramas. I hate meddling into others’ lives. I am not a social being, but in some circumstances I am being told to be. It’s hard, always. You know, talking to people you don’t like, listening to gossips that are a waste of time, entertaining questions that are irrelevant and accepting ideas that are nonsensical. No matter how I hate others, I never told them to adjust for me. I always make others feel that I am fine being alone. Just do your work, and I’ll do mine. Respect boundaries as I call it.
I am into a countdown of the months to get a year older. Honestly, I don’t know where this article would lead to. I am just giving life to the thoughts in my head.