To my old flame Pyrus,
So long, my fiery red burning flame, Pyrus.
It’s been two years since we cut the knot that bound us for almost five years.
Yes! I bled for such long days, and it took me just one slap right straight on my face to be awakened.
I didn’t love you back then, no! I did, but that love wasn’t worth all the regrets, frustrations, and whining I had swallowed just to remain still and firm now.
I choked out of pain as I could remember the days you first dumped me out.
We have shared tremendous fights that would always end up us, meeting in the middle, and yet one day, we had that big fight. It was such a great arena to battle with — as always, our thoughts, no matter how it suffocates me inside, I still acted like a fresh-minded bitch relying on you. I believed in you so badly that I forgot I have to believe in my home first.
As we traveled down miles and miles, my home gets shipwrecked; I was furious to see the aftermath. I had to run home speedily one day to see how much the damage weighs, and as I drew my footsteps closer and took a few steps forward, you managed to erase my traces back at yours. Now, I am lost. I don’t know which way to go, to get back.
When I arrived home, I see everything shaded with bloodstains. I shouted for help. I was curious, why it has to be your name echoed into my larynx?
I cleared my throat and shouted for another name I could rely on, but it ended up reverbing your name the second time around. What seems to be funny is that you didn’t even look back just for a sec. My blue eyes flooded oceans of tears as I saw you slowly walking backward; your hands were placed covering your ears, the reason why you didn’t hear my cries at all. I need to commend you on that. You have played your game so well that it looks like you were deaf — when actually, you’re just a real thief. You stole my happiness and strength as you leave without a single trace.
I was damned sure my agonizing plea reaches your soul but, how did you manage to ignore all of my pains? I don’t know! I really do wonder how you could do that at all.
The positive way I had to thank you for is that… I had been what I am now because of you. You unleashed this vigorous spirit within me; I am now stronger than before. It is amazing how I turned to be this kind of “image” I only dreamt I would become way back, but now I actually am.
I don’t have any shades of hatred or bad feelings towards you now. I had cried them all out inside my dark room and locked them just to stay right there and never to ruin and haunt me ever again. So, you don’t need to worry about meeting me whenever our two wimpy roads cross it’s path again.
Reminiscing our old days, I was a bit ashamed with regrets. We placed a lot of cards down the table of starvation. We are both starving of attention, self-seeking truths, fallacies, and rhetorics that were both created in our minds. We both failed to see that we just created a fantasy out of the real world we’re living. We lose all our chances to be reincarnated. We loosen all our shackles, and now, we’re suffering from the bumps down this sturdy road.
We are both failures — failures in terms of understanding each other’s history, which leads to misdirecting our paths to ever not cross ways at the end. We are asymptotes and not perpendiculars; no matter how much we tried to meet, we are bound to be separated through infinity.
And through that reality, I am now starting to cool down that flame you have lit within me. I can now be sure that this flame within me won’t shine any hope of second chances.
It’s funny how I only felt this way just by now. My new self slapped me real hard on my face that it almost shook my soul. I have been awakened from a mirage sight until then.
I am starting to see a lot of possibilities the world has to give me… and through that, my vision towards you was just a mere silhouette fleeting through the woods on a frosty evening.
You were just a mirage sight blurring in a perplexed angle in the middle of a desert.
You were my almost, yet not at all. I am now letting all the fires get soaked in crystal clear water. Its bluish shade might look pale and lonesome at first, but as the waves come ravishing in, the inner beauty inside its core is somehow refreshing. It mesmerizes and brings tranquility, quenching my thirsty soul.
Yes, I met this man while seeking your traces, one cold night of November. He was exquisite and mysterious, making him like a pandora box, and I ought to be curious to open him up. We have exchanged messages since then. He’s a professor — no wonder how I had professed all the pains I have been hiding along your way. He teaches literature, no wonder he wrote scripts that lightened my mind and now flutters my heart. He wrote me poems, stories, novels, but I am really wondering why in the hell I’m not feeling awkward when I’m with him. I know all of those were mere fiction, but every time he reads it out loud in front of me, there is no such feeling of fantasy in his fiction. I am guaranteed; I am sheltered and fostered like he is nursing my inner teenage soul within. We fell in love by just doing those simple things every day, but that wasn’t simple to me. They were everything. They weigh much than what you could’ve given me.
I remember how you used to be my fire burning. Your extreme hotness soaked my bones that made me almost die of third-degree burn. My burnt ashes were illuminating dust inside your “fixed mind.” You would always say, “Hey baby, you know what.. I want us to be like this… and that… in the future… let’s make this work… we should always make things work out like this.” as you would always murmur.
My nose bled bags of blood, making our both ends meet just to work out that crazy goal. “…We should be doing this and that, we should be like this and that by the end of this crazy month”… I got tired of dwelling on your deadlines and scheduled plans. I got soaked out roaming around your own calendar that I had forgotten all my plans, all of the things that I really wanted to do. At the end of this sacrifice, my sacrifice, I still got you, turning your back.
Now, would you still think that I didn’t fight us out? That I didn’t give our relationship any chances for survival? We really tried. I tried, and tried… and tried… but in the end, I just got tired, and there’s no one to blame on that.
As I brisk myself to float above sea level and not be drowned by the waves and tides of this deep ocean called love, I am now officially detaching myself from being tied up by you or being connected with you in the future.
Yes! You have been a part of my past, and you certainly dwell within me in the present, but I am now certain to exclude you in my future. How?
Right at this moment,
I am starting my very first step outside your epicenter. I am bravely fleeing outside your west coast, heading a new perspective and introspection on the east coast.
I am sailing on my journey towards my own navigating tool — no need for captains nor any second mate. I am my own captain, and I will need no chief’s- mate or second-mate. I can be with my own company without looking or feeling sorry for my own self.
I am atlas free of the burden I have been dragging myself into; that burden is you and everything towards you.
And so, to end this, let me thank you. Thank you for making me realize the beauty after brokenheartedness. Amidst all the pain and tears I shed, I had been the stronger version of myself. It is like entering a naval task force, there is no easy way, only really hard labor, but after that, there’ll be no such feeling to compare. That feeling of freedom, being revived out of “code- blue,” being quenched out of thirst, being true, and feeling real happiness.
That is all thanks to you,
I can now finally feel and not just say,
This old flame won’t be burning up.
I am setting the fire off and am about to declare that this huge wildfire that has been damaging my woods for three years has finally set off and has now officially been a “fire-out.”
To my old flame Pyrus,