Love Self Realizations

Ciao

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I don’t know why I’m hurt every time you try to walk away. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Maybe my feelings have become complicated because my emotional instability creeps in. I can’t even say I love you because my mind tells me I don’t and shouldn’t but it seems my heart tells otherwise. Is that really so? I don’t really know. There are a lot of fears every time I think of you. Fears I can’t even surmise would bother me. Every word of affection creates some impact and day by day, each continues to dwell in my thoughts. I’m trying to divert my attention but I have to admit that you’re still here. Am I lost? I don’t think so because I’m not even running away. That is how I know myself…until you disturbed my peace and every thing just fell into confusion.

I don’t want to overthink and be swayed by my emotions. I want my mind to love you too. As of the moment, it doesn’t speak any certainty about you. Although gradually you are getting a little space in my heart, I don’t think it’s enough. I don’t want to hurt you but I don’t want to have you just to say I have someone by my side. I guess I’m not yet ready to love you. I can’t sort out my feelings and I don’t want to love half-heartedly. We both deserve to be happy in each other’s arms but not now.

I hope there is still much time to think. I don’t want to rush things. I want us to fall into the right time and right place, where everything is certain and real. Honestly, I can’t even understand why I wish you’d be waiting. I know I’m becoming selfish but it’s what I feel right now. I know I’ve pushed you away many times but you kept on coming back.

I think I’m not yet enough and complete to accept your love. I hope you could understand that love brings mixed emotions I couldn’t pacify and decipher. I’m really not yet ready. However, I hope by the time that I am you’re still there loving me. But if you don’t, I will understand.

– A NOTE TO SELF ON SELF-LOVE-

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