I was never a child.
Ever since I was young, I felt the gap between me and the world – a big gap. I am different, far different than I was hardly understood. I tried to blend with the world and people, but they continue to disappoint and disown me. The feeling was never easy. Every day of my life, I’ve longed for acceptance.
The world is in motion but I am left behind. I prefer to be alone because that was the only choice I had. Friends? I do have friends but none had actually stayed for long. I’m out of reach, they said. You know, my thoughts were far-reaching. I tend to see the world behind its image. I am creatively lonely. I learned the mastery of pacifying my loneliness through wandering my thoughts anywhere I want.
I’ve heard this before: look into the eyes of a child and you’ll see the beauty of the world. There wasn’t a time that others have done that to me. For certain, no beauty can be reflected in my eyes for I haven’t seen any beauty.
Growing up, I became more distant. My views weren’t conventional and orthodox. They became reflections of my lifelong observations, and people of my age don’t think the same as I do. I was alienated to the world I grew up with, and the world in return treated me as a stranger. The people, yes the people around me were indifferent. They knew I exist but they’ve let me feel I don’t. Over the years, I’ve learned to distance myself as well. I accepted the concept of being alone (because nobody wanted me around and because it was my personal choice). Surprisingly, I was okay.
Looking back, I realized that one’s happiness must not be founded by others’ standards that I don’t have to make myself qualified for their criteria because this is my life. Acceptance from others is not a must, but acceptance from yourself. I’ve learned that at the end of the day, I still have myself and that I am not totally alone. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Others have forced themselves to fit with the crowd but eventually forgetting that they already lost themselves.
For those who are reading this, give yourself the gift of happiness because you deserve it. It should not always come from others, oftentimes it just comes from within.